I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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