I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
