I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
