My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
