shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
