sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
