An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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