I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
