you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
