Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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