I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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