If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
