Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
