I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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