I wish I only lived at night.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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