I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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