Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
