you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
