i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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