Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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