Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
