you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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