by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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