youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
