I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
