just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
