he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
