Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
