Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
