My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
