Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
