I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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