I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
