Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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