Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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