I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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