...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just pee around me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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