I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
