i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My ass is underappreciated
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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