My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
