he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
