I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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