My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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