You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
