I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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