I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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