He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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