Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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