i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
