So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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