I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
